Arthur Roberts' Elements of the Effective Anecdote

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a soiree, regaling the captive audience with one of your classic, spontaneous anecdotes only to find it's as deflated as the tyres on an abandoned bicycle? Your audience is captive merely because they already like you, perhaps for your kind nature or punctuality; they are not engaged with your impotent narrative. Well, you are not alone. Believe it or not, I used to suffer from the damp anecdote on a regular basis, but with the following tips, I will take you from delivering dull monologues to keeping your peers on tenterhooks at the ebbs and flows of your Shakespearean soliloquy.

An anecdote is like a house. What your listeners expect is a front door, a living room, a bathroom, a kitchen and a bedroom. More bedrooms are good too, and it can be further elevated with a loft conversion in the mansard roof, a conservatory for use in the summer months, a boot room, and perhaps a drawing room for your posher friends, but it is key to sort out the unseen elements such as the foundations, joists, studs, and so on. I will assume you have a story that is built on bedrock and has a strong, square frame but lacks paint, plaster and ornamentation.

In this guide, I will illustrate my points with an example of an anecdote, and we will iterate upon it from under seasoned to delectable.

I rode my bicycle through a puddle.

Most listeners will instinctively notice something boring about this story, but the untrained ear will not be able to dissect and diagnose what ails this story. The story's soul is full of vigour and vitality, though. Most people can relate to riding a bicycle, and at one time or another, they will have seen a puddle, so this story has the elemental properties associated with the effective anecdote.

0. The basics.

Speak from the diaphragm, stand erect with your shoulders pinned back, and never put your hands in your pockets. Doing these three things will make everything you say have a literal and metaphorical resonance. People do not want to talk to a timid mouse. You must appear and sound like a field marshal. If it helps, imagine you are the Duke of Wellington.

1. Introduce an Element of Peril

The British are predisposed to enjoying the misery of others. It's an unfortunate national trait, but we can use it to our advantage. In our original anecdote, there are plenty of opportunities to insert misery. Consider the following additions to our anecdote.

It was raining. I rode my bicycle through a puddle. My shoes got soaked.

I've created a misery sandwich composed of wet bread and our original story. However, you must be careful when adding misery since the following will backfire.

It was raining. I rode my bicycle through a puddle. I covered my elderly neighbour, Miriam McCandles, in dirty road water.

Despite our love of the misery of others, we do not enjoy the glee of a villain. You will appear cruel. On the bright side, poor Miriam McCandles will have her own brilliant anecdote with you as the antagonist.

2. The Meander

The Meander sits beside the Amazon and the Yellow River at the river dinner party, having its own Greek god, being mentioned by Homer, and connecting many cities in Asia Minor to the Aegean Sea. Thus, I encourage you to make use of the rhetorical meander to enhance your anecdotes. The simple form of the meander is the fusion of all the elements of the story into one sentence. Advanced usage involves inserting a digression. Do not worry if the digression is not related to the central themes of your anecdote; they are there to give the listener's mind's eye more stimulation.

It was raining and I rode my road bicycle that I'd bought in 2016, so I'd say I've cycled it close to 5000 miles by now and once I took it on a ferry to the Isle of Wight to stay in a BnB in Newport, but the owner had no space for bicycles, and I rode it through a puddle and my shoes got soaked.

There is an art to the meander. I accentuated it with some misery by mentioning the owner of the BnB had no space for the bike.

3. Insert an Exclamation

An exclamation adds emotion to your prose. It is easy to use but can go wrong. For instance, when speaking to a vicar, you may use "Jesus wept" if you know them well enough, but you must never say one of the more potent phrases. If you are speaking to your pals at Sam Smith Pub, you will have no trouble if you stick to "blinking" and its clan. If you're in private or a more rowdy establishment, you can make use of an expletive. "Oh my gosh" will work in all circumstances.

Blimey, it was raining and I rode my racing bicycle that I'd bought in 2016, so I'd say I've cycled it close to 5000 miles by now and once I took it on a ferry to the Isle of Wight to stay in a BnB in Newport, but the owner had no space for bicycles, and I rode it through a puddle and oh my gosh my shoes got soaked.

4. Filling the Gaps

Throwaway words and phrases can do wonders for your speech. A bodybuilder doesn't need the volume of muscles they have, but it impresses people to see them.

Blimey, it was raining, rain like you've never seen, and I rode my racing bicycle that I'd bought, what in 2016 (?), so I'd say I've cycled it close to 5000 miles, that'd be 8000 kilometres, by now and actually once I took it on a ferry to the Isle of Wight to stay in a BnB in Newport, but the owner had no space for bicycles, and I just rode it through a puddle so I did and gosh, my shoes were very soaked.

5. Add another person

Another person can be added to the anecdote with the correct meander. People tend to love their families, so to make a story more emotional, I like to add at least one nephew.

Blimey, it was raining, rain like you've never seen, and I rode my racing bicycle that I'd bought, what in 2016 (?), so I'd say I've cycled it close to 5000 miles, that'd be 8000 kilometres, by now and actually once I took it on a ferry to the Isle of Wight to cheer on my Nephew who was taking part in the 10k, and we stayed in a BnB in Newport, but the owner had no space for bicycles, and I just rode it through a puddle so I did and gosh, my shoes were very soaked.

6. Ad-infinitum

I promise you that you will be the centre of attention if you follow the principles laid out above. It is a blessing and a curse to be this charismatic; on the one hand, you'll feel like the moon surrounded by moths, but on the other hand, the eyes of your onlookers can feel like the sun's light is being focussed onto you through a lens.

Naturally, your audience will want to hear more. To give them what you want, follow up the first anecdote with a second anecdote. You can choose from a variety of safe topics:

• Any dream, but your most recent dream will have the greatest effect.
• Your gym routine.
• Changing internet provider.
• Things you learnt at secondary school.
• How well prepared you were for the weather.
• Your most recent trip to the Imperial War Museum

To seamlessly blend anecdotes, the following phrases can be employed:

• But I digress.
• Well, you see the interesting thing is.
• Of course, it's not quite as bad as when.

7. In case of Emergency

You may be playing to a tough crowd, and your anecdotes may not be landing. In this circumstance, I permit you to invent a few fictional details. Of course, you should not lie as a psychopath might. Your goal is not to acquire money or end your friend's long-term relationship. You are lying for the benefit of the crowd, to enhance their enjoyment of the evening. For example, you can insert some fabricated peril.

... and my shoes were soaked, they were six inches underwater, and as it was happening, a double-decker bus missed me by an inch.

It is a moral grey area to do this, but I am not here to be the arbiter of judgment. I am merely telling you how to delight guests at a party.

Closing Remarks

I've alluded to my historical affliction, but over the last fifteen years, I have honed my technique to become objectively one of the most talented tellers of an anecdote. It took graft, and there were many failed attempts. For example, I spent years deprogramming my urge to finish every anecdote with "Well, what'd you know?". I am telling you this because I do not want you to have the impression that you will become an overnight sensation.

However, if you make use of my fifteen years of discovery, your road to popularity will certainly have fewer bumps than mine did. I recommend you practice your anecdotes in front of the mirror for at least 5 minutes a day and introduce each element one at a time. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you may borrow my bicycle anecdote, but soon you will not need these training wheels, and your astute wit and charm will come across as effortlessly as the wind blows blossom from a tree.