The Astonishing Life's Work of John Buchanan.

My dear friend and mentor, the late John Buchanan, devoted his life to discovering and translating the lost languages and dialects of the mediæval inhabitants of this island. He held the esteemed position of Professor Emeritus and Chair of Philological Studies at the University of Edinburgh, and he had an unparalleled understanding of how to interpret arcane, ancient, and archaic texts. In the last three years of his life, unburdened by political or monetary motivations, he could devote himself to a project that he had begun in 1959 while completing his PhD. 

This research was of the utmost political and cultural significance, so much so that it could instigate a constitutional crisis and result in the collapse of the British Establishment. Therefore, John felt the project must be completed to the highest standard with no room for ambiguity, with rigour and forensic attention to detail, and with every nuance thoroughly explored. If this research were to enter the public's consciousness, it would inevitably be a sensation in the press and be brought before the highest courts in the land.

However, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and should any of his arguments fall down upon scrutiny, whether they be in good faith or otherwise, it would mean the destruction of his career as an academic. Being a working-class boy from the coal-blackened slums of Govanhill, John's family was relying on him to pull them out of poverty with his lucrative and bright future. Given the profound consequences for himself and society, he kept it secret. John only revealed its existence, but not its extent or content, to me in the months before his passing. I have been given the honour of organising his research and extensive notes, and I will spend the next several years preparing his life's work for publication. 

Contrary to John's conservative approach, I am eager to share with you what he discovered. I am astounded by the gravity of the document at the centre of his incredible magnum opus. John found this text in the sale of a library belonging to Malcolm Farquharson, a wealthy Victorian collector of Scottish documents. John was intrigued by its unusual dialect of Old Gaelic that had yet to be translated, but upon deciphering it, he realised he had encountered a declaration so profound that it could shape a nation. It is plain from the words that John has translated that the essential idea of Britain, and indeed, Scotland, is built like a house of cards. We have come a long way since 1959, and I think as a people we are ready to step into a new age of enlightenment. From his translation, the truth is as clear as the ink on this page is black, so I will reproduce his groundbreaking work verbatim.

The Declaration of Ballachulish

Enforquentious, we the lords and lairds over all the Glens, reclencerait and unending bramour, and Strathdee the Just, and the Lord of Glen Affric, and the pious Laird Machar of the Isles and Kyles in the Westerness, and Magnus of Manx, by convexicalation and extemputation, redarclarents of mighteness, and the holy Knights of the Order of St Luke, truth and truwardness, and the reverend Brothers of the ecclesiastical Order of St Jude, pronounically, and all the children of the Gael, bereclify the emproclimated bestowal of the right to wear the Caledonic Crown upon the brows of a Royal house, by the blood of the womb, the blood of battle and by the blood of Christ, the wise, just and fair, the garter of St Stephen, uptemstuemous majesty; aftermore, and upon these braes, Strathmarr, wherein his holiness, Supreme Pontiff and Vicar of Christ, Patriarch of Rome, apostolic successor to Saint Peter, Gregorvis Septimus of the Holy See has bestowed us with this right, and as God has directed that the House of MacLachan, forinuationally and profound, recognised by all of Christendom, is appointed henceforth now and forever until the day of reckoning whence the world is rent, as serene and to whom we are vassels, hencetoforwidth has been declareated as the one Druoich of this land in perpetuity and pretensiquentiality; Aformore, the land, and the lochs, it's people and it's yieldings will be carintorated and mattermidst by Lachlan MacLachan of Clan Lachlan, heroic and virtuous, and his progeny for the rest of time, the detensiclature, from hayclerinenity whence signed by this hand and hands, until the end of eternity, this land, and the depths below and heavens above, and its the righteous rights will be truthfully harnessed in the eyes of the Lord God Almighty, as witnessed by us the witgenmoot who are most ennobled, who in his just Wisdom has made this appointment.